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REALLY LAME JOKES ARCHIVES
| A little
girl and her mother were walking through the park one day and they saw
two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy, what
are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly
replies, "Ummm they are making cakes." The next day they're at a zoo and
the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother
what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making
cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy
were making cakes in the lounge last night, huh?" Shocked, the mother asks,
"How do you know?" The little girl replies, "Because I licked the icing
off the sofa." |
| The chicken and the egg are laying
in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its
face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed. The egg mutters
"Well I guess that answers that riddle". |
| There was a papa mole, a mamma
mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two
bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses." |
Q: What do a moped and a fat
chick have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until
a friend sees you on one. |
| A woman came home, screeching
her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door
and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the
lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out." |
| There were
three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.
One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you
get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter.
"I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we
gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my
day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!" |
| A young couple on the brink of
divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is
the problem. She responds “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The
husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me." |
| One day mom was cleaning junior's
room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine. This
was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got
home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to
her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." |
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes
so short?
A: So brunettes can remember
them. |
| A beautiful, voluptuous woman
goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all
his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her
to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he
does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she
says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," the woman says, "you're
checking for any lumps of breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor.
He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says
to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting
herpes." |
****Two cows standing in a field.
One turns to the other and says "Moo".
The other one says "Damn, I was
just about to say that!" |
| One night, as a couple lays down
for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over
and says "I'm sorry hun; I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and
want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns
over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" |
Q. What
do you call a nude blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette
with bad breath. |
| The owner of a drug store walks
in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk,
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well,
he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't
find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!" |
Q. Why
did Pervert Jack cross the road?
A. Because
his dick was stuck in the chicken. |
| A blonde was walking on one side
of the river and a brunette on the other. The brunette yells across to
the blonde, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" The blonde hesitates,
looks back and replies, "You ARE on the other side!" |
| In Jerusalem, an American female
journalist heard about an old rabbi who visited the Wailing Wall to pray
-- twice a day, everyday -- for a long, long time. In an effort to check
out the story, she goes to the holy site and there he is! She watches the
bearded old man at prayer and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to
leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I'm Elizabeth Smith from CNN,
Sir. Just how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years," he informs her. "50 years! That's amazing! Exactly
what do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs.
I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow
up in safety and friendship." "And how do you feel, Sir, after doing this
for 50 years?” "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall..." |
Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So men will talk to them. |
| Two elderly women were out driving
in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were
cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but
they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself
"I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light
was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through
three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned
to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?” |
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Control Freak. Now you say control
freak who? |
| A blonde woman was speeding down
the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police
officer that was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's
driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively
more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman
replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally
found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here
it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed
it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop. |
| A little
girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber's
chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles
at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." "I
know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too." |
| One day, a man came home and
was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she
purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and
went golfing. |
| A koala was sitting in a gum
tree… smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?" The koala said, "Smoking a joint,
come up and have some." So the little lizard climbed up and sat next
to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little
lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink
from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too
far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over
to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the
little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained
to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in
the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain
forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting and finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!" So the koala looked
down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude… How much water did you drink?" |
Q. Why do tampons have strings?
A. So you can floss after you
eat! |
A young brunette went into a
doctor's office, complaining that her body hurt all over. "Try to
be specific," said the Doctor. The maiden took her finger and pushed
on her elbow, then let out an agonized yelp. She touched her knee and produced
a blood-curdling scream. Finally, the girl pressed on her ankle and passed
out from the pain.
When she came to, the doctor
asked, "Are you really a brunette?"
"No," she winced, "I'm actually
a blonde." "That is what I thought," the physician smirked. "Your
finger is broken." |
Q. What did the masochist say
to the sadist?
A. Beat me, beat me.
Q. What did the sadist say to
the masochist?
A. No. |
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